I have two sons, one who's 8 and the other is 5. Lately the older one gets really annoying when I give attention to the younger one, he complains that I like him more and he even hits him. I've tried talking to him about it but it doesn't work. What can I do to improve this?
I have a pretty similar situation at home and what worked was giving the older one some "grown-up" tasks, like helping prepare snacks or picking the movie for the night, so he'd feel he has a special place that the younger one doesn't have. Talking is important but it has to come with action, you know - like, not just saying you love them both equally, but showing in practice that each one is special in their own way.
Another thing that helps is not reacting to the jealousy with anger when he throws a fit about it. I just acknowledge the feeling ("it's annoying when mom is busy") and then redirect him to what he can do instead. We don't let the hitting slide, but without making a big deal out of it - just a firm "we don't do that" and then move on.
The thing is, giving them responsibilities does help, yes, but the older one probably really needs one-on-one time with you - even if it's just half an hour a week that's just yours, without the sibling, without any guilt about it. Sometimes the kid is so starved for attention that even "grown-up" tasks won't fix it if their attention is still being divided.
You guys mentioned some good points, but I think there's an important detail missing: that hitting behavior is a sign that he's really frustrated and can't process it just through rational conversation. An 8-year-old still doesn't have emotional control figured out, so maybe it's time to set a clear and consistent consequence when he hits his brother - not heavy punishment, but something that shows this has limits. At the same time, yes, one-on-one time with you (even if it's just 20 minutes on the weekend doing something he picks) can make a real difference because it cuts down that feeling of always being second best. But be prepared: it might be that in the first few days he complains even more or gets a bit bitter, because jealousy doesn't disappear overnight - it's a matter of time and your consistency.
Have you stopped to think that maybe he's trying to get attention precisely because he feels left out? Jealousy at that age is pretty physical, really - talking doesn't work because he's frustrated and needs to process it some other way.
Try putting something pretty specific into practice: when you notice he's starting to act out or get aggressive, instead of calling attention to it or punishing him, take him aside and suggest doing something together - it's not even a reward, just a ritual between you two. It could be helping you with something, sitting together for five minutes just the two of you, anything that shows "you matter and I have space for you too." It doesn't have to be long, but it needs to be consistent. His pattern of aggression usually drops when he stops competing for attention and starts feeling like he has a guaranteed place without having to fight for it.
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