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I've noticed with my kids that pushing direct questions often shuts things down 🚪 Try relaxed moments instead - in the car, on a walk, while cooking - where there's no direct eye contact and it doesn't feel like an "interrogation". Ask vague stuff like "how was your day?" and then actually listen without judging, even if it's weird. Sometimes you just need time and patience for him to feel safe enough to open up 💚
Try asking him what he would do if a friend had a similar problem - often kids find it easier to talk about a "hypothetical" situation than their own. That can give you clues about what's worrying him without him feeling like he's being interrogated.
Is he shutting down because he's afraid of being judged, or because he doesn't know how to put words to what's bothering him? That's different. People who suggest relaxed moments are right, but watch out - don't let him think you're listening "by accident." Kids can sense when you're being manipulative. Better to be straight up: "I've noticed something's wrong, I'm here if you want to talk about it, no pressure." And then stay available, even for the small, boring stuff. A lot of times they let their guard down while talking about nothing and end up bringing up what's really weighing on them.
JulieFournier asker
Probably both! 😅 He tends to keep his emotions to himself in general, even at home. I'm going to try being straightforward and honest like you said.
I'd say the problem isn't so much that he refuses to talk, but rather that we expect a complete confession all at once. Kids aren't like us - they don't need some big structured conversation for us to understand what's going on. Sometimes it's enough to leave the door open and be present without pushing. Relaxed-moment strategies work, but pay attention to something we often forget: if your child had a bad experience confiding in someone before (a parent who overreacted, who punished him, or who shared the info with others), he's going to clam up even tighter. It's not just shyness, it's a real barrier you need to defuse first.
What I'd do is stop asking questions. Like, really stop. Instead, you can talk about your own struggles - nothing major, just everyday annoying stuff - to show that everyone goes through rough patches and that you talk about it. Or you do activities together without a hidden agenda, and you just stay available if something comes up. Sometimes a child just needs to feel that he can talk without being interrogated, without getting the sense that we're waiting for something from him.
The other thing is accepting that he might keep certain things to himself for now, and that's okay. It doesn't mean he's suffering in silence or that you're a bad parent - it just means he needs time. Trust isn't something you force, it builds slowly.
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