My daughter is 14 and ever since she went back to in-person school in 2024 she's been complaining that she can't take it anymore. She wants to do everything online, but the school won't allow it. She says she has anxiety and that in-person makes it worse, but I don't know if it's true or just laziness, honestly. How do I figure out what's really going on with her without making it seem like I don't believe her?
The best strategy is to listen without trying to argue right away - when you start by saying "I think it's just laziness," she shuts down. Try having a conversation at a calm moment, away from school pressure, and ask specifically what bothers her: is it noise, crowds, trouble concentrating, issues with classmates? Anxiety in teenagers is real, but it can have very specific triggers that aren't obvious.
If she really does have anxiety, a psychologist or educational psychologist (doesn't even have to be a therapist - the school itself can recommend someone) can assess it better than you or her just imagining. With a professional evaluation, you two are on equal footing to talk with the school about alternatives - maybe a hybrid setup, classes at a different time, or adjustments to her routine. What matters now is validating that something bothers her, figuring out what, and then looking for solutions together, not imposing anything.
Don't start by trying to prove she's exaggerating or that it's laziness - that's the quickest way to make her stop trusting you and get defensive. What works better is asking specific questions and letting her answer without interruptions. "What exactly makes it worse for you? Is it the noise, having too many people around, speaking up in class?" That way you can tell if it's real anxiety or something simpler you can fix, like a quieter spot in the classroom or switching classes.
The thing is, at 14 many kids have legitimate difficulties with in-person school - for some it's genuinely anxiety or sensory sensitivity, for others it's socially complicated - and in other cases it's a mix of everything plus a dose of "I don't want to wake up early". All of that can be true at the same time. If she can do online fine, that already gives you a clue: it probably isn't pure laziness, because online also takes discipline.
Ask the school to consider a middle-ground plan - maybe two days in-person and three online, or a trial period - while you both look into whether there are mental health issues with a professional. And in the meantime, listen to her without judgment. When a kid feels like she's actually been heard, it's much easier to have difficult conversations later or set boundaries that she'll respect. If it really is laziness, she'll give you signals when she sees you're taking it seriously and there are actual steps being taken.
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