She came home upset because her classmates made comments about her body. She's 14 and has started refusing to go to the pool with school. I don't know how to approach this without making it seem either too serious or not important enough.
Start by validating what she felt without making a big deal out of it - "that really hurts and it's normal to be upset" - then ask her what she'd like to happen next instead of offering solutions right away. A lot of times at 14, what helps is feeling heard, not corrected. If you keep noticing she's pulling away from things she used to enjoy, then it might be worth talking to the school or getting a psychologist involved, but for now the most important thing is that she knows her body is her business and that's it.
I think validating her is important, yeah, but there's something we sometimes forget: you also need to make it clear that what her classmates did isn't acceptable, you know? It's not just about her feelings being valid (because they are), it's also about her knowing that comments about other people's bodies are wrong. The difference is subtle but it matters. A friend of mine went through something similar with her daughter, and what worked was her saying something like "you didn't deserve to hear that, and whoever said it was being disrespectful" - not like she was demanding action, but like she was standing by her side.
After that, then it's worth exploring what she wants to do. Ask if she wants to tell someone at school, if she wants strategies for responding if it happens again, or if for now she just needs you to know. And about the pool - that step back is important because it shows she's avoiding situations. Maybe it'd be good to go back, but not under pressure. Like, "I get that it's uncomfortable, but you deserve to enjoy the class just like anyone else". You two could even plan how she'd feel more comfortable - whether it's about what she wears, when she gets in, whatever.
The thing is, at 14 the pressure about bodies is absolutely intense, and we tend to think it's no big deal because "everyone goes through it". They do, but that doesn't mean it's okay to normalize it. She needs to know that you believe her body is normal and that whoever made the comment is the one in the wrong, not her.
When your daughter refuses to do something she used to enjoy, that's a sign she needs real help, not just reassuring words. What I'd do is sit down with her at a calm moment - not right after the incident, because then she's still defensive - and make it clear that what her classmates did was disrespectful and has nothing to do with her body being "wrong". Girls her age hear everywhere that they need to accept themselves; what they need to hear is that others don't have the right to comment on their body, end of story. After that, yeah, you can ask how she's feeling and what she'd like to do.
The tricky part is not falling into the trap of thinking everything's fine now just because she talked about it. I'd also suggest finding out whether this is a one-off comment from a classmate or if it's coming from a whole group - because that changes things a lot. If it's a pattern, she might need to talk to the school or with you about ways to stand up for herself (even if it's just staying away from those girls). And about the pool: don't push her to get back in quickly to "get over it", but don't let her hide either. Maybe she could start somewhere else or with people she trusts, away from her classmates' eyes.
What I think is really important is for her to feel safe at home to talk openly, without being afraid that you'll solve everything for her or that you see her as fragile - sometimes kids shut down because they're scared of worrying their parents. Keep conversations short and natural about it, like in the car or while you're doing something together, because sitting her down formally at the table can make her even more tense. And what really matters is coming back to the subject several times, because in one conversation she won't process everything at once, especially at 14 when everything feels so intense.
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