I have a friend I've known for years, and every time we hang out she's constantly scrolling through Instagram or TikTok. I've told her about it a few times in a gentle way but nothing changes. I don't know if I'm being too demanding or if it's normal to feel ignored when someone does that all the time.
Did you actually tell her that it bothers you specifically, or just mention it in passing?
Because there's a difference between being direct and being aggressive. I think it's worth trying a serious conversation where you explain that when she starts scrolling it feels like you don't matter to her, but without sounding like you're judging her for using her phone in general - people need context to really understand what's hurting them.
That said, if you've already tried it several times and nothing changes, maybe the problem is that she's just not at the same point you are when it comes to valuing that time together, and that's different: it's not that you're demanding, it's that you two have different expectations about what "being together" means.
I don't think you're being demanding - it's pretty normal to feel ignored when someone's glued to their phone instead of actually being present.
You need to be more direct this time - if you've already brought it up gently and nothing changed, tell her straight up that it bothers you and that when you hang out, you expect her to put the phone away, at least for a bit.
If she gets offended by that or keeps doing it anyway, well, that's on her at that point and you'll have to decide if it's worth keeping those hangouts going.
I think what's happening here is that you've already reached the point where gentle comments aren't working, so you need to change your approach. But that doesn't mean you should get aggressive either. What you need is to have a conversation outside the moment when they're scrolling, when you can talk without them feeling attacked. Like, when you're having coffee or doing something chill, you tell them something like "look, I need to be honest with you because I care about you and this affects me: when we hang out and you're on your phone the whole time I feel like I don't matter to you". Full stop. No lectures, no listing all the times they've done it.
The important thing is that they understand why it bothers you, that it's not because you're a demanding or old-fashioned person, but because you value time with them and real time. Some people just don't realize what they're doing until someone who matters to them tells them straight up. After that, if they keep doing it, well, you'll have done your part. Sometimes people choose not to change even though they know it bothers you, and that's on them.
But yeah, when you see them and they start with the phone, you can just get up or naturally change the subject. You don't need to sit there watching them scroll if you don't feel like it.
Don't make a big deal out of it or give them a lecture because they'll get defensive.
I had a similar situation with a coworker and I just told them at the moment "hey, I'd appreciate it if you looked at me when I'm talking" and it worked because it was direct but didn't sound like a complaint.
If you've already told them casually a few times and they're still doing it, they probably don't even realize what they're doing, so a clear conversation (not a soft one) where you explain how you're feeling is what's needed.
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