My boyfriend follows all his exes on Instagram and sometimes likes their photos. I don't know if it's normal or if I should be worried about it. We've been together for 3 years and when I said something about it he got upset and said it was in the past. Am I being paranoid or is this a red flag?
Don't make a big deal out of the likes, but don't ignore your gut feeling if you're uncomfortable either - what really matters is if he won't even talk about it, because that's definitely a problem since he's shutting you out of a legitimate conversation between the two of you.
Skip jumping straight to calling him out - that won't work because you've already seen he gets defensive. Try something different instead: when things are calm, without accusing him, tell him you'd like to understand what staying in contact with those people means to him, what role they play in his life now. Sometimes people get upset when they feel criticized, but they respond better if you give them space to explain themselves without feeling like they're under suspicion. If after that he still refuses to even talk about how you're feeling, then there's a bigger problem than likes - the problem would be that he's not willing to listen to you or find middle ground together.
What really matters here is that he's completely shutting down the conversation, and that's more worrying than the likes themselves. Three years together means you should already be able to talk about things that make you uncomfortable without him closing the door on you. The fact that he gets upset and says "it's in the past" is just a way of not resolving anything, just sweeping it under the rug.
Try approaching this from your emotional perspective instead of focusing on what he's doing: "Look, I don't care if you follow them, but it makes me uncomfortable that you won't even talk about why. I need to understand what keeping that contact means to you, because I also have the right to feel secure." That's different from accusing him of emotional infidelity or something like that. What you're asking for is communication, not for him to delete his exes from the internet.
If after explaining it like that he still refuses to talk, then you've got a real problem. Not because he's liking Instagram posts, but because in a three-year relationship he should care that you feel okay. People who refuse to explain their actions often don't want to change anything either, and that's a real red flag.
Log into answer.
