We're both 28, we've been together for 5 years and everything's going well, but he says he wants to wait until 35 to get married because he wants to be more financially stable. I feel like that's a long time and I don't know if I should give him an ultimatum or just accept it. What should I do?
What would happen if you two got married now but kept following your financial plans exactly the same way, without changing anything? Because sometimes marriage is just a piece of paper if life stays the same, and waiting until you're 35 when you've already been together so long seems more like postponing than an actual plan. If he really wants to be established, that could happen at 30, at 32, who knows, but waiting seven more years sounds like an excuse. What matters is knowing if you both actually want to get married: if you both do, you'll find the right moment; if he keeps putting it off, that's a different problem that goes beyond money.
The real problem here is that you two have different visions about what getting married means and when the right time is, and that's something you need to work out by talking, not by giving ultimatums 😅 Seven years of waiting is quite a lot, but it's also true that if he needs to feel like he has financial stability to take that step, forcing him won't make him feel secure in the marriage afterwards. What matters is that you understand why the age of 35 specifically is so important to him - whether it's real fear or just a number he threw out randomly - and that he understands why time feels different for you. Maybe the compromise doesn't have to be "get married now or wait seven years," but rather finding a middle ground where you both feel comfortable.
When one of you is in a rush and the other isn't, that's when the real problem starts. It's not just about age or money - it's that your boyfriend is tying marriage to a specific financial achievement, and that can keep shifting. At 35 he's going to say "well, but I wanted the house paid off" or whatever. I've seen that happen with people close to me and it's frustrating because the goal never actually arrives.
What the others don't mention is that an ultimatum only works if you're actually ready to leave if he doesn't change his mind. If you say it but don't mean it, he'll notice and things get worse. So before you drop it, you need to know what you really want: to get married in the next few years no matter what, or to be with him even if you wait longer? Those are two different questions.
My advice is to have a conversation without pressure, but be clear about it. Ask him what marriage means to him, what would actually change in real life if you did it now versus in 7 years. Sometimes people realize that marriage is just paperwork they can do while they keep building everything else. But if for him it's really about waiting until 35, then you have to decide whether that's acceptable or not - and that decision is yours, not an ultimatum that takes away your control.
Are you sure the issue is just the timing, or is there something deeper about whether he actually wants to get married or if he's just scared of commitment? Because a lot of times financial deadlines are a convenient excuse. The important thing is that you two talk without getting defensive: you say what you need (and why), he explains what scares him about getting married now beyond the money, and you see if there's middle ground. At 28 with 5 years together it's not weird to want to make it official, but it's also not irrational to wait a bit - what's not healthy is one of you ending up resentful because you gave in without actually dealing with what's really going on.
Wait, there's something here the others aren't seeing clearly. A seven-year gap isn't the same as waiting two or three. By 35, you two would have a completely different life from what you have now: maybe you'd have changed jobs, cities, priorities. The risk is that by then you won't want the same things anymore, and it's legitimate that this worries you. But before any ultimatum, you really need to understand what's going on in his head.
Because the issue here isn't whether he's right about financial stability (which does matter to some people), but whether that's really the barrier or whether he's using it as an excuse for something deeper: fear of commitment, need for control, insecurity. Ask him what would happen if he suddenly made a ton of money tomorrow - would he marry you then? If the answer is yeah, okay, fine, it's just money. But if he keeps finding new reasons, then you know the problem is something else.
It's not about being tough or threatening either. It's about telling him straight: "I want to marry you, but I can't wait until I'm 35 without knowing this is real for you." If you two can't reach some middle ground (get married at 31, for example, or talk again in two years when things are different), then you do have a compatibility problem. But that's important information you need now, not seven years from now.
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