We've been married for 7 years, and I can see that he's still very dependent on his mother. She calls him like 10 times a day, butts into our decisions, and he always takes her side in conflicts. I love him, but this is starting to destroy our family. How do I explain this to him tactfully?
The problem is that conversations like this usually don't work if you start with criticizing his mother or his behavior. Your husband will hear an attack and put up his defenses, and things will only get worse. Try to frame it through your own feelings and needs: "I feel like I'm not a priority in your life. When your mom calls ten times a day and you listen to her more carefully than you listen to me - it hurts. I want us to have a family where we make decisions together, not your mom." It sounds softer, but more specific. The key thing is to talk about yourself, about how hard it is for you, not about what a bad son he is.
After that, you'll need to work out boundaries together. Maybe some of the calls can be moved to the evening? Maybe he'll check with you before agreeing with his mom's opinion? It should be a solution you both came up with, not rules you imposed on him. Keep in mind that this might be harder than it seems - these patterns often go back to childhood, and he himself might find it hard to change. If talking doesn't help and things keep getting worse, it's worth thinking about getting help from a family therapist. It's not about anyone being at fault, it's about finding a normal balance.
I agree with the previous answer - directly criticizing his mom or his choices will definitely shut him down.
I'd talk not about her, but about yourself and him: "I feel like we don't have enough time together when we make decisions as a team, without worrying about anyone else's opinion." It's not an accusation, it's an invitation for him to get closer to you, and that usually works better.
And pick a moment when things are calm, not in the middle of a conflict, or it'll come across as a reproach.
I've dealt with a similar situation with some friends, and I remember how everything changed when the wife stopped saying "your mom interferes too much" and started honestly telling him how lonely she felt when he sided with his mom instead of her.
Not an accusation - just a fact: "When you don't support me, I feel like I'm in second place in this family." Men usually react more sharply to personal pain than to criticism of their behavior or their mom.
The key is to pick a calm moment when nobody's irritated, and talk only about yourself, about how it affects both of you, rather than judging his relationship with his mother.
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